Christmas is upon us once more! Where the hell did the year go? It’s been a fantastic one and we at Speakeasy wish you the most wonderful of holidays! To see the year out I thought I’d leave you with the dilemma if in fact Wizzard’s song came to pass and it was in fact Christmas every day of the year. I include a refresher of the chorus below:
Oh well I wish it could be Christmas everyday
When the kids start singing and the band begins to play
Oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday
Let the bells ring out for Christmas!
Although it sounds amazing on the surface, what would happen if it was actually Christmas 365 days a year? Careful thinking such thoughts…that’s where chaos reigns. Maybe that’s what Wizzard had intended all along – some anarchic revolution?
Firstly, the very notion of health would be thrown out of the window as we tucked into yet another grand helping of Christmas dinner, or as we polished off a second box of Quality Street safe in the knowledge that no-one would judge us – it’s Christmas after all! Indigestion and heartburn would be rife, and the house would be a toxic stench of Brussel sprout farts. And as the endless Christmas Days rolled by, we would all fall into a slovenly de-energised mess before finally cardiac arrest or a diabetic coma came to take us away.
And no matter how many twigs, from Christmas trees or Yuletide logs (take your pick of wooden decorations), you stuff down your ears the catchy songs of the jolly season will always find their way into your psyche and, like some festive scene from The Exorcist (Christmasist), you would find yourself jumping up to start the inevitable conga line with the family during a particularly powerful rendition of Shakin’ Stevens – perhaps the only exercise you would get during this life you now lead of perpetual Christmases…all five minutes of it before you fall back onto the couch to resume your position as a potato. There is always charades, but by day 482 you would probably have run out of ideas.
Breaking the bank so you can treat a loved one over the Christmas period is great for a one-off but if it was a daily thing currency would eventually be worth nothing. Instead of treasuring the special gift or two, we’d all be flying around in our Harrier planes and shooting up banks because they’d be about as useful as a sundial in London. Bill Gates would eat all his money out of boredom and gold bullions would be shot out of cannons for a right old chortle as the only tender left is Christmas cheer.
Whenever you put that cocktail to your lips at breakfast on the 25th – because, let’s be honest, there’s always time for a cocktail – you are spared any feeling of guilt because it’s Christmas and you’ll be damned if you’re not having a drop or five, but if we were allowed to do whatever we wanted every day of the year, there’d be no reason to put the bottle down or to stop streaking (sorry, allowing my mind to run a bit wild there I think). Crime would skyrocket, nobody would get out of bed and there’d be rotting Christmas trees everywhere, like a forest from a Tim Burton film, as there would be no refuse collectors – one can’t be expected to work at Christmas!
Children would have any joy taken from them and would become more spoilt as their list for Santa would become more and more demanding. And on that note, dear old Santa Claus is an old chap; he is overworked as it is but at least he gets a rest for 364 out of 365 days of the year, so if he was forced to deliver gifts every single day, it would inevitably take its toll.
After substituting sleep with Red Bull, he’d eventually have to move on to the harder stuff to keep him active. Jacked up on all kinds of steroids and opiates, he’d be flying all over the place, high as kite before he plummeted to his death after a massive heart attack. His Reindeers wouldn’t be able to help much either – who’s doing the flying after all?! But all animal rights charities are also on holiday.
So maybe, just maybe, it shouldn’t be Christmas every day. Let’s treasure the special moments we have in this life. Merry Christmas from us! Until 2020 friends!