Can’t touch this…GRAMMAR TIME! That’s right, I went there. What else has he got up his sleeve I wonder? For those of you who care, for this week’s Thursday Thoughts I felt that we would take a trip through the chlorinated waters of English Grammar…No, no please read on, it’ll be funny I promise. And if you don’t laugh then I would love to tell you that we shall offer you a free course as some sort of recompense for your wasted minutes but that would be a lie – get a sense of humour!
No, but seriously folks, grammar freaks us out at the best of times. So, this week I have collected my favourite grammar jokes and puns to leave you with the sense that this is, hopefully, a topic that you can touch – damn it, that MC Grammar song is now stuck in my head! Last week it was Boney M’s Rasputin…and now it’s stuck in your head – you’re welcome!
1) A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
2) A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
“Why?” asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. “I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”
3) What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi? There, Their, They’re.
4) What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
5) She texted me, “Your adorable”.
I responded with, “No, you’re adorable.”
Now she thinks I like her when all I did was point out her grammar mistake.
6) Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts.
7) The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
8) Some people enjoy cooking their families and their dogs. I’ll leave you to work out the problem here.
Thank you for reading this week’s silly and, hopefully, slightly educational Thursday Thoughts. Enjoy your pursuit of language learning, there is always fun to be had – that being said, some days I wish I had had a crappier education so that your grammar wouldn’t bother me so much.
As always, good night and good luck.